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From ABC Carpet & Home, NYC online and instore:
To wit:
"ABC Home's mission is to serve by manifesting a retail paradigm shift in which we compose a revolutionary platform for offering cause related product through beauty, experience and magic, in order to guide you to creatively express your individuality, values and actualize your home as a sacred space."
WHAT?! Let us deconstruct.
"Our mission..." = Our excuse for making money...
"...is to serve by manifesting a retail paradigm shift in which we compose a revolutionary platform..." = ...is a store...
"...cause-related product..." = ...that sells junk...
"through beauty, experience and magic In order to guide you to" = ...that we make you want...
"...to creatively express your individuality, values and actualize your home as a sacred place..." = ...because your life is empty and you need things to make you feel whole.
Translated:
Our excuse for making money is a store that sells junk that we make you want because your life is empty and you need things to make you feel whole.
This was a little vending machine at a very busy rest stop on the NJ Turnpike. They've gotta catch your eye so they crammed as much stuff into the clear front as possible:
Results tagged “copy for copy's sake”
Relaxing for a coffee break? How about listening to a sales pitch?!
In the ever-extending, never-ending, paper-the-world-in-marketing approach, you can find messages even on the sleeve of a "java jacket." From the people of Tide, an ancient brand that is now so old it's just so damn cool, comes this cute, funky, ultra-hip-cool-bleeding edge promo for their "stainbrain" site.
Okay, nice graphics and all, but, guys...what's w/the extra letters? Isn't it enough that you have a website called "stainbrain" and a whole campaign....what the hell is a Kah-Cho-Af-Kah-Eye-E-See? Leave me alone already!
Okay, nice graphics and all, but, guys...what's w/the extra letters? Isn't it enough that you have a website called "stainbrain" and a whole campaign....what the hell is a Kah-Cho-Af-Kah-Eye-E-See? Leave me alone already!
Our Mission? Remind you you're empty and you need to be whole.
From ABC Carpet & Home, NYC online and instore:
To wit:"ABC Home's mission is to serve by manifesting a retail paradigm shift in which we compose a revolutionary platform for offering cause related product through beauty, experience and magic, in order to guide you to creatively express your individuality, values and actualize your home as a sacred space."
WHAT?! Let us deconstruct.
"Our mission..." = Our excuse for making money...
"...is to serve by manifesting a retail paradigm shift in which we compose a revolutionary platform..." = ...is a store...
"...cause-related product..." = ...that sells junk...
"through beauty, experience and magic In order to guide you to" = ...that we make you want...
"...to creatively express your individuality, values and actualize your home as a sacred place..." = ...because your life is empty and you need things to make you feel whole.
Translated:
Our excuse for making money is a store that sells junk that we make you want because your life is empty and you need things to make you feel whole.
I Hope The Knuckle Headquarters Are Nicer Than This
Nine assorted exhaust elbows on a rack does not deserve the moniker "headquarters."
Frankly, I don't know what an Elbow Headquarters would look like, but it's not this.
Frankly, I don't know what an Elbow Headquarters would look like, but it's not this.
They Stood Within Us!
From a website of a financial services company that will remain nameless, comes generic copy and generic stock photo nonsense. Another one of those phrases that, given some thought, make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
"They did more than stand behind us. They stood beside us."
Oh really? Why would you even want them behind you? Shoving you out front, taking the bullets while they stand behind you? And what's the big deal of them standing beside you? You're still ... you...so what if you have "them?" That's not gonna save you. I guarantee, the minute you try to tell everybody, 'Look, they're standing beside me' they'll be gone in a flash and you'll be pointing to thin air.
"They did more than stand behind us. They stood beside us."
Oh really? Why would you even want them behind you? Shoving you out front, taking the bullets while they stand behind you? And what's the big deal of them standing beside you? You're still ... you...so what if you have "them?" That's not gonna save you. I guarantee, the minute you try to tell everybody, 'Look, they're standing beside me' they'll be gone in a flash and you'll be pointing to thin air.
You want Passion? Strategy? Vision? How about BUSINESS ALONG!!! HUH??!
What the hell happened with the font size and colors when they laid this out over the image? Of all the words to CAP and place in BIG LETTERS why "BUSINESS ALONG?!!?"
This is like when you get an email from someone who doesn't know they have caps lock on.
HEY,
NOT A LOT TO REPORT. I HAVE NO LIFE. REALLY TIRED. WRITE BACK BUT NO NEED TO RUSH.
This is like when you get an email from someone who doesn't know they have caps lock on.
HEY,
NOT A LOT TO REPORT. I HAVE NO LIFE. REALLY TIRED. WRITE BACK BUT NO NEED TO RUSH.
Give A Card...It's Cheap and Made of Paper
The fact that they slotted this little callout in the middle of the display really emphasizes how feeble the whole give-a-card sentiment is. Almost calls attention to the fact that it's the cheapest little stupid ass thing you can do because you have no life and no friends.
I mean, it doesn't say that. But the thought is there.
I mean, it doesn't say that. But the thought is there.
Do they really burn lattes at Christmastime?
As noted before, Christmas is that most wonderful time of year when marketing and advertising goes out of its way to be more idiotic and insane than usual. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, can be contorted, recontextualized, reconfigured, verbally massaged and manipulated to tie into some play on words, visual cue or reference to Christmas carol lyric, saying, religious references ... who the hell cares...make it work. (Remember: Santa began as a Coca-Cola marketing gimmick.)
And so, courtesy of our friends at Au Bon Pain (Ahh Bone Pain), comes this travesty. I can't believe they didn't post the date of the lighting. How the hell am I supposed to join them if I don't know when it is?!?
And so, courtesy of our friends at Au Bon Pain (Ahh Bone Pain), comes this travesty. I can't believe they didn't post the date of the lighting. How the hell am I supposed to join them if I don't know when it is?!?
Choice Is Being Able To Eat Fruit That Doesn't Exist
I have a bunch of examples when a concept is foisted upon a brand or copy and it's like building a bridge to nowhere. Here, they have 3 images, 3 statements all united by the color blue. Except, they couldn't come up with a third image that made any sense. So they figured...so what! It's a blue apple!
Yes, that's a blue apple.
Yes, that's a blue apple.
But What IS This OTHER Juice
So Manufacturing says, "We can't guarantee we'll have that one kind of juice to mix with the White Cranberry Strawberry to reduce the tartness" Legal was called in and they said, "You have to say something about the juice that's in there." So Marketing said, "Well why don't we just say 'some other juice.' And that's how the "Another Juice" made it right on the front of the package.
Bling Can Be Really Cheap Too!
This was a little vending machine at a very busy rest stop on the NJ Turnpike. They've gotta catch your eye so they crammed as much stuff into the clear front as possible:- Photo of the kid practically cross-eyed with excitement over his gangsta-like oral fitting
- A real-live gangsta (drawing) showing those goldy whites
- The product name "BLING TEETH" all up in big bold CAPS.
- And just to make sure you know what the hell Bling Teeth really are, they stuck a sample in 3D of the real thing.
"Paging Dr. Clinker! Paging Dr. Clinker!"
Even if it is coming from Ed Koch, it just doesn't sound right. Are we talking about doctors or car mechanics? 
And don't even get me started on the similarity between the word "clinker" and the word "clunker" (associated with a car you trade in for cash as in "Cash For Clunkers).
Awfully Prominent Place for a Personal Ad
This all-text banner, featured at the top of the Opinion page on nytimes.com, might catch your eye because it's not all Flash animation and wordplay. But, unfortunately, nobody reads anything anymore. And, for those of us who do, this looks like some kind of personal ad in the classifieds: 
How about:
SWM IT Executive seeks submissive customers for hot audio-conferencing. Must be willing to appreciate deep, steamy savings and want world-class service bad. You want 3 months of web conferencing at no charge?! I've got it...come and get it baby!
Texas Toast - Imported From The 5 Boroughs
I think "Texas Toast" is like "Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese." Philadelphia has no historical connection to cream cheese. This is not "the toast that all Texans eat and love."
So going the extra mile here to slap "New York" on the Texas Toast box pushes the regional connection even further across the map.
To further obfuscate the insanity, please note the background behind "New York" is the colors of the Italian flag. Ay Caramba!
So going the extra mile here to slap "New York" on the Texas Toast box pushes the regional connection even further across the map.
To further obfuscate the insanity, please note the background behind "New York" is the colors of the Italian flag. Ay Caramba!
Cuckoo for Generic Stuff
Don't be fooled by cheap imitations! How can you tell the generic product from the chocolate cereal that makes a certain bird go cuckoo? Let's explore!
And finally...Cocoa Magic!?! Leave the magic to Lucky Charms baby. Here's it's the Puffs man, and we ain't talkin no Puff the Magic Dragon!
Similar chocolatey-goodness background, but the Brand has floating chocolate balls.
I want to see movement with my milk! Pour it on!!! Not just a little jostling of the bowl.
Nobody, but, NObody is as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs as this bird. Whadya got here? A friggin magician mouse. Didn't I see this guy in the background of some Disney cartoon.
And finally...Cocoa Magic!?! Leave the magic to Lucky Charms baby. Here's it's the Puffs man, and we ain't talkin no Puff the Magic Dragon!
HelLOOOOO Pseudoscientific Ingredients!!
Now, first of all, Herbal Essences is a very early 70s brand from a time when herbal tea was considered about as exotic as Devandra Benhart. Of course, herbal essence later became a nickname for another herbal substance often smoked in bongs. But then, let's stick with this shampoo. 
So you got a brand that's "that 70s brand" and you need something hip, fun, maybe a little quirky. How about some wordplay, alliteration and a little science stuff too for kicks! Does it make ANY sense at all. I think not. What exactly do these 2 words mean? Think about it: "H E L L O H Y D R A T I O N ? ? ! !"
Spectacular Count Dracular
So our local A&P proudly displays a wrinkled vinyl sign that seems to be declaring some kind of "saving event."
Folks, when you're doing the wordplay thing, try to make sure the new word makes just a little bit of sense. Marketing fell all over themselves trying to morph the word spectacular into the color of the whole campaign "red" and came up with..."Red-tacular?" That is red-iculous and a spectombular waste of a marketutidinous umbiculousness. Uhh...yeah.
Folks, when you're doing the wordplay thing, try to make sure the new word makes just a little bit of sense. Marketing fell all over themselves trying to morph the word spectacular into the color of the whole campaign "red" and came up with..."Red-tacular?" That is red-iculous and a spectombular waste of a marketutidinous umbiculousness. Uhh...yeah.
When Does A Mere Bite Become Mega?
The prefix "mega," which is Latin for incredibly, stupidly huge, gets a workout here being applied to something that simply can't be made mega. A "bite" is anything you can tear with your incisors and shove into the cavity of your mouth. That can't be mega no matter what level of competitive eater you are. What we have here is copy for copy's sake. "We can't just call it 'bite' ... what about 'giant' ... 'huge' ... uh, hey 'mega!'"
(N.B. I'll admit the photo doesn't do this poor cookie justice; this was one of those cookies that's the size of a pizza.)
(N.B. I'll admit the photo doesn't do this poor cookie justice; this was one of those cookies that's the size of a pizza.)
Images Courtesy of Goth Stock Photo Dungeon
For the geek dating site www.gk2gk.com, they had to feature some form of hottie up there. So the pale skin, red lips, no smile, pitch black hair Goth Chick gets top billing. Don't smile honey. Remember, this is an online dating service for total dweebs who are going to obsessively Twitter about you instead of stalking. Feel the love.
Posted via email from Lee's posterous
We're Not Making Money At You, We're Making Money WITH You
I'm wondering if there's a "Prepositional Attorney" who has to review this kind of language. "Well, you can say 'with' and you can say 'from' but if you say 'off' you that's tricky. Can you say, 'We make money. And you make money... too, except we make more than you because we're a profit-making venture and you're just a customer. We make money ON you. In fact, we're banking on you to give us more of your money. Because we're a bank. Ally Bank.' Yeah...that's it!
When In Doubt, Pun Until You Puke
A newsletter is a great way to connect with customers, communicate innovations and, uh, dunno...let's say, "extend the brand." Which means....PUNS! Lots of 'em. Here the "Mileposts" newsletter, given to all weary Metro-North commuters in the NYC area, demonstrates its consistent efforts to shove a pun in every sentence.
...And don't worry about being penalized with extra downs if you fall asleep on the train. Our coaches have coaches that wake you before you reach the train yard-age. And you can quarterback your way to a comfortable seat listening to audibles and be a wide receiver that ... ahh.... this pun thing is HARD!