Category: copywriting

How Can They Be Mommy and Daddy Without Any Children?

SCENE:
A large conference room with COPYWRITERS 1, 2, 3 and 4 and the BOSS, an all-too-typical balding white guy in his 40s, chewing on pistachios. On the table are a whole lot of colored circular sponges with holes in them.

Mommy Is SOOO Clean!

BOSS:
We WILL NOT be just be another spongey cleaning product!? Yeah there’s a smiley face on it but, so what? This calls for a gimmick. Some kinda name, I wanna personalize it.

COPYWRITER 1:
Cleaning Lady!

BOSS:
Nahh … misogynist

COPYWRITER 2:
Buddy Wipe!!

BOSS:
What?! Sounds too much like Butt Wipe

COPYWRITER 3:
Spongy Friend??

BOSS:
Sounds like some old friend who comes by asking for money!

COPYWRITER 4 (the good copywriter)
What about something cute, like Mommy, Daddy. Scrub Mommy, Scrub Daddy…?

BOSS:
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!! Why can’t the rest of you be like Copywriter 4 who always nails it!?

And so, Children of Scrub Mommy and Daddy … that’s the story of how your parents came to be. Now, lights out and sweet dreams……

WTF Wonder Woman WW84 WB??!

 

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A post shared by lee (@madnessmuseum)

As I noted in my additional comment on this Instagram post, if you ask “why?” it’s because it was a Pre-Covid Big Budget Blockbuster which cost HBO Max parent Warner Brothers $978 million to make and should have raked in $37 billion had it only been released in theaters but it wasn’t so they’re basically saying,

“Can you watch this again so we can feel like our email campaign has some effect and maybe we win a few dozen subscribers for $9.99 a month … pretty please?”

btw, support me on Patreon because this is a lotta work this Museum thing:

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Instagram messed up my carefully crafted image so here’s the thing in All Its Annotated Glory:

Wonder WTF Woman!?!

Look Over Here! It’s An Ad For Kah Chof Kah Fie Seh!!

Kah Chok Fee Ess
Let’s review:

  1. OKAY: Everybody’s attention is sliced into so much click bait and streaming media nobody has attention anymore and — oh look shiny objects … what was I saying? Oh yeah, advertisers go hard for eyeballs! “TV! Websites! Celebrities! What about … COFFEE SLEEVES? We can grab ’em there!”
  2. BUT: Y’know, coffee makes a horrible stain. How do you clean stains? Detergent! But how to make people buy detergent when they’re drinking coffee … and you are NOT allowed to put detergent in their coffee…hmm? How about … we put something on the coffee cup or something.
  3. AND: Detergent ads: so Old Skool Mad Men. We be cool and hip and do a logo and a website and a rhyme ya “Stain Brain” you, and a gimmick and copy and design and everybody get busy and create! We have awards to win!!
  4. GO: Make up words. Or play with words. More! MORE!! Letters!! HURRY … campaign … not much time … Coffee Sleeves to printer, run of 87 million!
  5. PLUS: Gimme some tagline for this all. How about: “Style is an option. Clean is not”
  6. stain brain drain pain
  7. WAIT: WTF?! Is style an option? Is clean not an option? Why is clean not an option? Could style not be an option? Does you brain have a stain on it trying to reason this through? Hang on … we are not done! Say this out loud with me:

KAH-CHOF-KAH-FIE-SEH!!!

HOORAY!!! Advertising Sells Everything!

Oh You Think Shopping Is SOOOO Easy!!!

Oh sure! Just use a basket.

Basket Makes Shopping TOO Easy

And then what!? Do I walk through the store and, what, just pull things off the shelf and put them in the basket?! And then, when I think I’ve had enough … what?? … I just make my way out of the store!?! And show someone what I picked out!? And they’re going to let me walk the hell out of there and all I have to do is pay for it!!??  Yeah right … SOOO EASY!!

Put these signs up all over the place and think we’re gonna just get sucked right into it. Nope! Not me!

I want difficult shopping! Impossibly complex, painful shopping! No signs telling me what to do. I want to wander aimlessly on my hands and knees, crawling around unable to see a thing, bumping into people’s legs, having heavy cans fall off the shelf onto my head and wind up unconscious and carried out of the store by security. Now THAT’S SHOPPING!!

DON’T BELIEVE THE SIGNS IN STORES PEOPLE!!!!

 
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Enticing, Mouth-Watering Words For A Restaurant Website

Restaurants Are BACK!! And what better way to emphasize that than to include links on your website like “Scratch Kitchen,” “Whole Homemade Desserts,” “40 Craft Beers,” and “COVID MITIGATION”

Covid Cheese and Crackers

…and why not further hook those hungry customers so when they click on “COVID MITIGATION” they see more gustatory verbiage, like “Virus Vaporizing”

Virus Vaporizing For Dinner
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Beyond The Bed And The Bath Is … The Home

So the Big Box Bed Bath & Beyond isn’t really a store after Covid because retail is dead and we’re all stuck at home. How will they spin that and make us feel better?

Home Bath Bed Head Beyond Dead

Easy!

  • Home, happier
  • Shop, lazily
  • Deliver, immediately

The Big Box Stores are now warehouses for our stuff. Happier?